I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
