Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Randomize