You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
