She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
