When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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