Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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