my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
