I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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