I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
