you traded sex for a burrito?
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize