I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
