if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Randomize
