did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Randomize
