I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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