god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
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