Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize