just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
