I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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