we have pet lesbian snakes
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
