I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
