Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
