sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
