none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
