He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
