you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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