You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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