Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
