There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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