i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
