So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
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