I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
