She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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