Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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