I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
