Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
