: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
