yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
