there's paper in my vomit.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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