Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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