I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Randomize
