I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
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