i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize