I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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