Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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