He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
