would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
