Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
