I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I want a musical about memes.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
