so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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