Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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