I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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