I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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