thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
it was like having sex with a tree stump
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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