I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Randomize
