JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
