I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
