Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
