i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Randomize
