So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
