You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
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