i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
